I haven't talked to my cowboy in three days. My thoughts are that this is one of two situations. The first is more idyllic because I see it as giving him his time to think, and me as well, and he will either come out of this wanting to continue to be with me, or think that a long distance relationship isn't worth it. The second story is realistic--I'm not happy and don't want to continue to maintain a relationship that's like fighting a losing battle. I have offered him all of myself, I have said countless time that I'm 100% committed and dedicated to him, I even offered to cram a 12 month internship into 6 months so that I could go out to Glacier this June.
He wasn't very keen on that idea. This is not a new development, as he is good at being an Indian Giver. In September he asked me to move out to Montana to be with him this winter. I actually considered it, but decided that it would be better for me to stay in NH and do the internship. Later he said he wouldn't have been ready to have someone living with him. Then he tells me he loves me, only to take it back less than a week later. Now I ask him what he wants, and all he says is, "I don't know. I need to think about it."

GAME OVER.

I am ready for a relationship and have made it clear that I would make this one work as best as I could, but for him to have his doubts speaks volumes and I honestly don't need to hear another word. I've called him EVERY DAY since I left Glacier, and after our last conversation, I haven't called him in three days, nor has he called me. I don't really want to call him, except to talk this out. I'm not gonna chase him down and demand that he explain himself. I have a good life. I am busy and happy. I am healthy, loved, have lots of friends, wealthy, lucky, I'm the friggin Nutcracker, a soloist, a LEAD role, I am an accomplished gymnast...I am fulfilled, save for the relationship that I want but don't have. I am patient and follow the most calming and relieving words I've ever heard, "Life Unfolds In Perfect Order." No need to control it, it is what it is.

So I hope he hears my thoughts and calls me and decides what he wants...