Desiderata

Go placidly amidst the noise & the haste & remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly & clearly; & listen to others, even to the dull & the ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud & aggressive persons, they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater & lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery.
But let not this blind you what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially, do not feign attention.
Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity & disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees & the stars; you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors & aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery & broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

my choreography

Goals

As of late the clouds have lifted from my line of sight. My vision has adjusted to see the expansive beauty of life, the long term goals at the end and everything in between. For so long I was overwhelmed by trying to find the meaning in my life. I found the answer by realizing I don't know the answer. I am one to believe that everything we do in life has meaning and only helps to develop knowledge of the self and the reason we're put here. So after a great chat with a great friend I was able to stop myself, erase the desire to already be at the end, and realign myself by setting up one goal at a time in hopes that the series of them will lead me to my ultimate goal....whatever that may be. How can i really know what I want beyond right now? Well I can start by figuring out how I want to define myself. I guess my ultimate goal is to be free...to do whatever I want, travel, see, be, whatever, whomever and wherever. But, I digress.

Goals. I found my next goal and that is to free myself of financial burdens. I am unique from many of my peers in that I am bogged down, literally being crushed by about $80,000 in debt from combined school loans and credit card debt. The credit card debt especially is nasty because it zaps my laughable monthly stipends. How am I ever supposed to get to a place that is free from all possession with that looming over my head? One step at a time, that's how. I can start by getting rid of the credit card debt because the school loans are deferred, thank GOD! yeah about a quarter of what i make monthly goes to credit cards, the rest goes to rent, utilities, gas, food, cell phone, etc. That's too much and especially the one card I've had since i was 18 that's charging me a 26% interest rate has GOT TO GO. Fuck them. I called last night trying to negotiate something, threatening to leave, questioning what the point of giving them business when they really have nothing to offer me. They had nothing to say in return except, "There's nothing I can do." Well, nothing you have to do, I'll do it for you. I will dig myself out of this whole and FREE myself. It will feel like flying when I'm done with you. I will get a job and erase school loans and any other debts and put myself up on the advantage. I can feel it and it's too good to go any other way. Watch out when I am set on something, I can create energy to move mountains and I always get what I want ;)

New Year New Me

Energy.

We are constantly sensing it. We are full of it. We create it and move it. We transmit it and receive it.

Energy is powerful. Necessary. Abundant. There is no such thing as good or bad energy, just energy.

I brought in the New Year on a euphoric wave of energy. I was miraculously able to step outside of my comfort zone, right out of myself, and give my energy to the beautiful people I spent New Year's Eve with, and it was amazing! It's incredible what can happen when we stop being people and become beings.

I leveled myself with those three others, which was no small feat. Had the edge not been synthetically removed, I would never have been so honest with myself and anyone else. I decided this is how I wanted the new year to be, "I, too, think that 2009 was one of the heaviest years in my life. Never before have I felt so weighed down and stuck in one spot. I haven't been able to connect with anyone else in a long time. It's hard sometimes for me to be myself and be open with others, but that is exactly what I want in 2010: transparent energy. I can see the energy I emit as a whitish-yellowish aura, shrouded in black on the outsides. I want to get rid of the black and let myself free."

Our group energy was flowing free, exploding wildly and never fast enough. From the top of our heads and the heat of our breath, it was evoked and sprang to life. It was palpable and I swear I felt us creating it. It felt like we had the power to lift up off the ground if we wanted. It felt like I was talking to God...no, beyond that. It wasn't like being suspended and immersed at the same time. It felt like what I would imagine Heaven or the Universe to be like. Imagine if you could feel the energy of every living thing, every soul, past or present, a net of energy all connected and all protecting. I knew we had the power to make changes and I felt we asked the universe what we wanted in 2010 and she listened. Finally, I was connected. Within seconds the universe responded and comforted me.

Ever since I have been feeling great about myself. This is the month that I will get a job offer, I can feel it. This is the year that I find myself out and am shown who I am and what I am here to do. No longer will my brain limit me, correct me, nor chastise, reprimand, make me feel guilty, make me feel trapped. There is no cap and there are no limits to what you can do in life and what makes you happy. Only yourself. I will not defend myself. I would let anyone in to feel this energy because the threat has been removed, the threat of myself! There is no higher moral ground than doing what you believe in, but standing up for something just because that's the way you were brought up, or that's what your parents believe in, or because society has deemed something this way or that is complete defeat. I can't allow any more sanctimonious ideologies to enter my being because when you develop and defend one definition of what is "right" you have automatically created a definition of "wrong", i.e. anything other than what you believe is "right". It was too close minded. It was literally closing the energy passageway that connects me to you. There I am! There is anyone you want to be. Anything. Everything. It's at our fingertips and it's passing through us and it's EXCITING because it is limitless. That is what human beings are, completely limitless. Our brains are massive, powerful energy conducting organs and I think our purpose in life is to utilize that energy that comprises us.